Lessons in Bar Culture for the Novice from a Culturally Competent Native
The Ten Commandments of the Tavern (as explained and embodied by my friend Chad Maxwell):
1. Thou shalt try to obtain and defend thy bar real estate. These include a bar stool, proximity to the cash register and a spot on the bar ledge to rest thy elbows so thou can lean forward and order thy drinks from the bartender.
2. If thou art not capable of obtaining and defending thy bar estate, it is wise of thee to choose the companionship of one who can.
3. Thou shalt be erudite in the names of the common and popular drinks of the region where thou visiteth. Thou livest in the 21st century. It therefore behoves on thee to use the internet to seek what thou knowest not. This erudition will not be lost on thy bartender for she is besieged by scores of thirsty souls who know not what they want and on whom she must cast her patient ear. Thy quick wit and glib tongue will therefore be succour for her.
4. If thy pockets are empty of ready cash, thou must start a tab with thy credit card. The bar culture is the quintessence of generosity. Therefore, thou must insist that the tab must not be broken by your companions. There are many gains to be had from this. It is kind to the bartender for she may now cavort around offering drinks and taking orders in lieu of swiping so many credit cards. It is sublime for camaraderie among thy companions for it maintains the flow of bonhomie and allows the shy and meek to have a good time without worrying about their drinks.
5. It is wise to let the one with the most bar real estate to start the tab.
6. If thou art not the one with the tab, thou art obliged to not dick the one who did start the tab. Be generous in thy offerings for thou hast gained much.
7. If thou art the one to start the tab, blessed art thee! For thou must rise above bickering over nickels and dimes. For thou must humbly accept thy companions’ offerings and not demand restitution for services that has given thee much pleasure and social capital. Thou shalt carry the spirit of the bar with you into the rest of your life.
8. Thou must know the most popular bar chants in the realm where thou residest. If this is not known to thee, remember that thou livest in the 21st century. Use the internet. A list of popular bar songs have been appended at the end. It is thy bounden duty to memorize a semblance of the lyrics to these songs so that thou mayest sing along and not seem like a gawk.
9. It is wise to know how to move and sway to these chants. In a place bustling with humankind, these sways are the gateways to introductions as you invariably “accidentally” bump into people. If thou knowest not how to dance, then thou must teach thyself.
10. Thou must make even the power between thee and thy bartender by using status terms and eye and hand contact. It is wise to tip in cash for the mind remembers a touch. It behoves thee to be at all times polite, respectful and generous to thy bartender.
The two best songs that you must ABSOLUTELY know:
1. Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up: Harry Nilsson.
2. Beer Run: Brooks Garth.
20 most popular tavern songs (as listed on http://www.yomommashouse.com/etc/top20barsongs.html):
20. SEMISONIC : CLOSING TIME
19. THE RAMONES : I WANNA BE SEDATED
18. LYNARD SKYNARD : SWEET HOME ALABAMA
17. BLUR ; SONG 2
16. DAVID ALLEN COE: YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME BY MY NAME
15. BUSTA RHYMES: PASS THE COURVOISIER
14. CHUMBAWAMBA: TUBTHUMPING
13. GARTH BROOKS: I GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES
12. WILD CHERRY: PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC
11. THE EAGLES: HOTEL CALIFORNIA
10. R.E.M.: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD
9. THE BEATLES: TWIST AND SHOUT
8. TONE LOC: WILD THING
7. GUNS n ROSES: PARADISE CITY
6. BEASTIE BOYS: FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT (TO PARTY)
5. NELLY: HOT IN HERRE
4. QUEEN: WE WILL ROCK YOU
3. JIMMY BUFFETT: WHY DON'T WE GET DRUNK
2. DEF LEPPARD: POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME
1. AC/DC: SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG
1. Thou shalt try to obtain and defend thy bar real estate. These include a bar stool, proximity to the cash register and a spot on the bar ledge to rest thy elbows so thou can lean forward and order thy drinks from the bartender.
2. If thou art not capable of obtaining and defending thy bar estate, it is wise of thee to choose the companionship of one who can.
3. Thou shalt be erudite in the names of the common and popular drinks of the region where thou visiteth. Thou livest in the 21st century. It therefore behoves on thee to use the internet to seek what thou knowest not. This erudition will not be lost on thy bartender for she is besieged by scores of thirsty souls who know not what they want and on whom she must cast her patient ear. Thy quick wit and glib tongue will therefore be succour for her.
4. If thy pockets are empty of ready cash, thou must start a tab with thy credit card. The bar culture is the quintessence of generosity. Therefore, thou must insist that the tab must not be broken by your companions. There are many gains to be had from this. It is kind to the bartender for she may now cavort around offering drinks and taking orders in lieu of swiping so many credit cards. It is sublime for camaraderie among thy companions for it maintains the flow of bonhomie and allows the shy and meek to have a good time without worrying about their drinks.
5. It is wise to let the one with the most bar real estate to start the tab.
6. If thou art not the one with the tab, thou art obliged to not dick the one who did start the tab. Be generous in thy offerings for thou hast gained much.
7. If thou art the one to start the tab, blessed art thee! For thou must rise above bickering over nickels and dimes. For thou must humbly accept thy companions’ offerings and not demand restitution for services that has given thee much pleasure and social capital. Thou shalt carry the spirit of the bar with you into the rest of your life.
8. Thou must know the most popular bar chants in the realm where thou residest. If this is not known to thee, remember that thou livest in the 21st century. Use the internet. A list of popular bar songs have been appended at the end. It is thy bounden duty to memorize a semblance of the lyrics to these songs so that thou mayest sing along and not seem like a gawk.
9. It is wise to know how to move and sway to these chants. In a place bustling with humankind, these sways are the gateways to introductions as you invariably “accidentally” bump into people. If thou knowest not how to dance, then thou must teach thyself.
10. Thou must make even the power between thee and thy bartender by using status terms and eye and hand contact. It is wise to tip in cash for the mind remembers a touch. It behoves thee to be at all times polite, respectful and generous to thy bartender.
The two best songs that you must ABSOLUTELY know:
1. Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up: Harry Nilsson.
2. Beer Run: Brooks Garth.
20 most popular tavern songs (as listed on http://www.yomommashouse.com/etc/top20barsongs.html):
20. SEMISONIC : CLOSING TIME
19. THE RAMONES : I WANNA BE SEDATED
18. LYNARD SKYNARD : SWEET HOME ALABAMA
17. BLUR ; SONG 2
16. DAVID ALLEN COE: YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME BY MY NAME
15. BUSTA RHYMES: PASS THE COURVOISIER
14. CHUMBAWAMBA: TUBTHUMPING
13. GARTH BROOKS: I GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES
12. WILD CHERRY: PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC
11. THE EAGLES: HOTEL CALIFORNIA
10. R.E.M.: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD
9. THE BEATLES: TWIST AND SHOUT
8. TONE LOC: WILD THING
7. GUNS n ROSES: PARADISE CITY
6. BEASTIE BOYS: FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT (TO PARTY)
5. NELLY: HOT IN HERRE
4. QUEEN: WE WILL ROCK YOU
3. JIMMY BUFFETT: WHY DON'T WE GET DRUNK
2. DEF LEPPARD: POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME
1. AC/DC: SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG
posted by Gayatri | 11:50 PM
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